It was snowy as I sat in the silent and cozy house. I was home from college for Christmas hiatus and I was enjoying the stress free month. The family was out shopping and my brother was out with all of his friends doing things that teenagers do. I sat on the couch with my laptop on my lap and as I began writing a report my cell phone started ringing. I had a text message from my younger brother. He didn’t seem okay and it made me leery. I knew he was not alright so I called him and it went straight to his voicemail. “Hi you reached, Joe leave a message. BEEP”
Of course he turned off his phone; he is so immature I thought to myself. The kid was pretty wry for his age and it really bugged me how he never got caught. This was an apotheosis that my parents had begun to given up after three kids. My older brother Tyler was quite the troublemaker in high school and he was constantly getting kicked out of school, but now he has finally got his act together and he is married with a child on the way. My mom told me to stay home so that I could greet him when they arrived.
Christmas was two days away and the house was very festive. I heard a clamor outside and it was Tyler and his wife Amanda. I ran to the door and opened it up. “Tyler!” I screamed.
He laughed and grabbed his luggage from the car’s trunk. Amanda came up the front steps and gave me a hug. I hadn’t seen either of them in so long since they had moved to Colorado. We all gathered inside the house and within fifteen minutes of their arrival my parents had came home from the mall with bags of presents. I helped my mom bring them upstairs to her room and then the phone rang. It was Mrs. Smith, Joe’s best friend’s mother. She talked on the phone with my dad for awhile and when my dad hung up he said, “Cali go call your brother.”
I knew Joe had turned off his phone but I did what my dad said and called Joe. Surprisingly Joe’s had turned his phone back on because it rang, and rang. But he never answered. I walked down stairs, “Dad he didn’t answer.” I exclaimed.
“That boy is in deep!” my father said gravely, “Did he tell anyone where he was going?”
“He told me he was going out with the his bevy dad, which could be anywhere.” I said.
“I am going to reprimand him when he comes home. We need to start being more authoritarian with him if he thinks he can just go out and not answer his phone.” My dad said to my mom.
At this point my mother had begun to cry. Amanda and I took her in the other room to comfort her and tell her everything will be okaywhile my father and Tyler took out the cars to go look for him. After about an hour of him not answering his phone and no luck of finding his car anywhere the phone rang. I answered it and the person on the other end said, “Hello, is this the Brown’s house?”
“Um yes it is, how can I help you? I said with a confused countenance.
“This is the Oakland police department, is there an adult I can speak too?”
“I can speak, my name is Calli."
“We need you to come down to the hospital. Your brother,” he coughed, “was found in a car accident about an hour ago. We were just able to reach you and Joe was not recognizable as himself after the accident. The driver was under the influence of alcohol and made a glib and irrevocable decision because neither of them survived.”
"What? No that can't be Joe im sorry it just can't be Joe."
"Im sorry dear but we need someone to come to the hospital to make sure it's him."
I began to cry on the phone. "Calli we need someone to come to the hospital. If you need anymore information you can call the police department and someone will talk to you."
At that moment I hyperventilated and I hung up the phone. I have never imagined my brother, my younger brother, would die before me. It couldn’t be true; they must have the wrong kid. There was no way that either Joe or his friend were drinking. It wasn’t even dinner time yet, how could they have been drunk? I didn’t know how to tell my mother. As soon as she saw the tears rolling down my face she knew what it was and Amanda ran to the phone to call Tyler and my dad and they went to the hospital to make sure it was my brother.
I had received the worst Christmas present that you could ever imagine. Christmas Eve we weren’t like everyone else, we were picking out the casket and setting up funeral plans with the Smith family. Two families lost there 17 year old sons 2 days before Christmas and there was no way to change what had happened.
The day of the wake and funeral were the hardest two days of my life. Joe and his friend had a lot of friends at school. They were pretty popular and played sports. This was a huge loss for out town and especially for our family. The entire high school came to the wake and the line of cars went 2 miles down the road from the funeral home. After the funeral I went with Tyler and Amanda for a ride to give my mom and dad some time alone. We went back to the house that night and it didn’t seem right, we all knew that it would never be the same without Joe. He completed our family.
After dinner I went into Joe’s room and cried myself to sleep on his bed. I woke up later that night and no one was asleep yet. It was 2 in the morning and everyone was awake with every light in the house on. Confused I walked down stairs to find my family watching family videos. As soon as I heard Joe’s voice I lamented and when I walked into the living room and saw his face on the TV screen I fell to the ground. My mom came over to me and wrapped her arms around me. I didn’t know how to handle my brother being dead and it was a real reality check. I wish he had thought about us before he ruined his life and ours.
10 comments:
AUTHOR NOTES
The message i was trying to get across in my short story was that you should always think before you make your decision because it could affect your life and the all of the people around you in a negative way.
I think what works well in this story is you can some what predict how it will end but you still have that quetion in your mind about what is going to happen. The part that was easy to write about was the bad news that Calli and her family recieved because i can realte to that.
I think the hardest part of my story was trying to maintain the 1,000 word average. I had a lot to write about and i couldn't put everything in that i thought was important. My weak section is probably the ending.
The part I would like help on would be the conversation between Calli and the police officer and also the ending of the story.
1.The conflict of alicias story was that her brother Joe had gone missing and they didnt know where he was, so his brother and father went out to look for him and they got a call that he got in a car crash and died, because the driver was under the influence.
2.Joe sister, who is mostly the main character changes over the time. In the beginning she was home from break and excited to see her brother and sister-in-law and spend the Christmas with them, due to not seeing her in a while. But when her brother dies she becomes very sad and doesn't want to do anything, she cries herself to sleep in his room, and spends most of her time thinking of him.
3. My favorite part of the story would probably be when the sister is in his brothers room sleeping and when she wakes up she sees her family all downstairs watching home videos of her brother. It probably the saddest part of the story but its the part where you feel sad and you wanna cry. It makes you feel grateful that you have all your family members with you and that they are all living."Confused I walked down stairs to find my family watching family videos. As soon as I heard Joe’s voice I lamented and when I walked into the living room and saw his face on the TV screen I fell to the ground" This is my favorite line because you could really imagine her walking down the stairs and just freezing in her tracks, looking up at the screen and seeing her brother.
4. I think alicias best quality in the story would be the whole plot and what happens when it does. Also i think she did a good job incorporating the vocab words in, they fight good where she placed them.
5. I think the theme of the story and don't take life for granted. Meaning like don't think that your life is so good and that everything will turn out well, because your bound to come into obstacles, like family members dying or people being diagnosed with cancer.
6.There was a few spelling mistakes here and there, and i think you could maybe expand a little on what happens when you get the phone call, like do you go see him at the hospital just to make sure, or do you just wait for him to be brought to the funeral home and make arrangements.
- LOVE EM
1.)The external conflict of this story was the fact how the main character, Cali's brother was missing. No one knew where he was, and Joe wasn't answering his phone. I was definitely interested in the resolution. It was indeed very dramatic. It kind of went a little fast, but other than that it contained all the information it needed to end the story smoothly.
2.)Cali changes a lot over the course of the story. In the beginning she talks about how her brother is immature and a troublemaker, and kind of gets away with a lot of stuff. But then in the end when she discovers Joe has died,her feelings change. She obviously begins to miss him, and cries herself to sleep on his bed.
3.)My favorite part of the story was actually the end. I didn't like it because he died or anything, but you make the character kind of blame her dead brother for ruining the family's life. Instead of wishing him to return and regretting things, you have the main character blame her own brother for ruining her life, which is very different, and not something that happens a lot in short stories. My favorite line was the last one," I wish he had thought about us before he ruined all of our lives."
4.)I believe that the resolution was the best part of this story. It is short and quick, and leaves a really good message for people to think about. It really makes you think about how your decisions in life may affect someone you never knew may be affected.
5.)The main message of this story was kind of like think about what you do, because the decisions you make in life can affect the most likely or unlikely people, and people should be aware of that.
6.)I think the only thing you may want to work on is the character Joe. We know he is Cali's brother, and that he dies, and he has a huge funeral that tons and tons of people go to. But why? Was Joe popular? What would make so many people attend? What was so special about him? These may be some questions you may want to answer in your story so people will get to know a little more about Joe.
1)The conflict of alicia's story was that her brother was missing and no where to be found. It was 2 days before christmas, and the family got a call saying that him and his friend had gotten into a car crash and dies while under the influence.
2)At the beginnging of the story, the character Cali seemed like a generally happy person, with nothing much to worry about and her families problems all seemed to be fixed until she pretty much just cracks at the end with the loss of her brother.
3)My favorite part of the story was in the conclusion when she finds her family watching tv downstairs. It's a sad part but i think it was the part of most drama and one that i could picture well. "room and saw his face on the TV screen I fell to the ground. My mom came over to me and wrapped her arms around me."
4)I think that the best part was the lesson and the plot line because of how many teenagers die today because of this problem. Also, i think it might have made people realize that this conflict happening in your life may not only kill you, but could affect your whole family.
5)I think that the theme was that you should think before you make a decision because it could turn out bad. It could affect the people around you.
6)I wouldn't change much in the story, except maybe i wanted to hear more about what happened in the car accident and when they had confirmed that he was already gone.
Good Story Alicia!
The conflict of this story was the Joe died in a car accident right before Christmas. This was an external conflict, but also internal because it left the family devastated. It was resolved by the family trying to get through it together by remembering good thins about him, and watching videos. I was very invested in the conflict, but thought that it was very sad. Something that could have made the story more dramatic was the family having to go to the scene, or having to see what happened.
The protagonist changes over time because in the beginning she was just a normal girl who was celebrating Christmas, but then in the end she was angry and sad, and had lost a big part of her life, her brother. Her development in the story was when her brother died, and she realized that you have to think before you make any choices in life. This change is important to the story because it affect her whole family, and makes them all realize this. The story wouldn’t be the same if the character didn’t change because there would be no emotion, and the story would be no different from the beginning, except the fact that Joe died.
My favorite part while they were searching for Joe and trying to call him it made me use my imagination to think of what might happen. This part occurred in the exposition and the rising action. A line that I like from Alicia’s story is, “It was snowy as I sat in the silent and cozy house.” This is the first line of her story and I like it because it shows good description, and makes me want it to be around Christmas time again.
Overall the stories best quality was the plot. Alicia had a very good idea with the sudden death of a loved son and brother, but it was also very sad. It showed how the characters felt throughout the story, which also portrayed strong emotions from the them as well.
The stories theme was to think about something before you make a decision or choice, because it can change everything. The seeds that Alicia plants and allows to grow through the story were love and family strength. It showed how much the family will miss him, and how much the Joe will be missed after he is gone.
There is not much that Alicia could fix throughout her story. The theme, punctuation, and climax was very good, but maybe Alicia could try to put in more dialogue to show how some of her other family members felt.
Awesome Job Alicia!
The conflict of the story was an external conflict because her brother Joe went missing. His brother and father went out looking for him, but to only get a call saying he died in a car crash because of a drunken driver.
Joe's sister is the protagonist. She changes the most over the coarse of the story. In the beginning of the story she is excited to see her brother and his family, and is pretty stoked to spend christmas with everyone. After she finds out about her brothers death, she cries herself to sleep in his room, and is miserable.
My favorite part of the story is when the family sits around and watches home videos of her brother. It touches your heart, and makes you sad. I think that it is a really strong point in the story.
"As soon as I heard Joe’s voice I lamented and when I walked into the living room and saw his face on the TV screen I fell to the ground"
This is my favorite part of the story because it provides a lot of dramatic scenery. It makes me appreciate my family.
The authors best quality in the story would be her plot. I think the theme of the story and don't take life for granted. Meaning like don't think that your life is so good and that everything will turn out well, because your bound to come into obstacles, like family members dying or people being diagnosed with cancer.
VOCABULARY WORDS
hiatus- n. break or vacation
Calli is on Christmas vaction
leery- adj. suspicious
Calli is suspicious at what Joe is doing with his friends.
wry- adj. clevor
Joe was very clevor and got away with a lot of things.
apothesis- n. the perfect example
Having three kids Calli's parents gave up on the last child which is a perfect example of why Joe got away with a lot.
clamor- n. loud noise
There was a loud noise when Calli's older brother Tyler came home.
gravely- adv. serious
Calli's dad was very serious about the entire situatuion.
bevy- n. group
Joe was hanging out with his group of friends.
reprimand- v. to scold
Joe's mom was going to scold him if he got home.
authoritarian- adj. extremely
strict or bossy
The parents decided they need to be more strict with Joe.
countenance- n. expression
Calli's dad had a certain expression on his face.
glib- adj. without much thought
The boys made a stupid mistake.
irrevocable- adj. something that can not be changed
The boys driving drunk was a decision that now can not be changed.
hyperventilated- v. to breathe quickly and deeply
Calli was breathing quickly when she got the bad news.
lamented- v. to cry or complain
Calli and the rest of the family cryed a lot from the death of Joe.
The conflict of this story was that the narrators brother had died and they didn't know what to do. This is internal because of the emotions that Cali felt but external because Joe had died and he wasn't there anymore. It wasn't resolved.
Cali changes from being excited and home for the holidays to being very sad and not being able to control her emotions. Her epiphany was when she answered the phone and found out that her brother had died in a car crash. The story wouldn't have a conflict if Cali didn't change.
My favorite part of the story was when Cali's older brother came home and she was surprised and they were all happy. This was during the rising action. "We went back to the house that night and it didn’t seem right, we all knew that it would never be the same without Joe." i liked this part because that is how it really feels to lose a loved one you dont think you will ever be the same.
I think that this story's best quality was it's story arc because you could really follow the story well and you could tell when the exposition rising action and climax was. It had a really nice flow to it, the story was very smooth.
I think that the story's theme was think before you drink. The author started this theme when Cali first called Joe and then when she tried to call back his phone was off and when things got really bad he didn't answer, then they found out that he was dead.
I think the only thing that I would change is when the father is talking about reprimanding Joey you might want to rearrange some of the words. The dialogue sounds a little unnatural.
You did a great job Alicia!!! <33
1. The conflict of the story was Cali and her family didn’t know where Joe went and he wasn’t answering his phone. It was external conflict. It was resolved when the police called to tell them he had been in a car crash and died. I was really invested in the resolution of the conflict. Nothing could have made the story more dramatic because it was really good.
2. In the beginning of the story, the main character is angry and doesn’t think of anything when her brother doesn’t answer his phone because it was tyical. However, as the story goes on she realizes she should care more and becomes emotional. Cali’s great insight was to care about the ones you love. This is important to the story because it is based around this idea. The story would be different if she didn’t change because then it wouldn’t have been as emotional or dramatic.
3. I didn’t have a favorite part of the story because it was all really good. “As soon as I heard Joe’s voice I lamented and when I walked into the living room and saw his face on the TV screen I fell to the ground.” I like this quote because it shows how much she really did care about her brother. Also, it was when it hit her that Joe was really gone.
4. My favorite thing about the story was the conflict. It was original, yet a situation that happens to many families. The conflict was good because she really described what happened and the resolution was something you wouldn’t have expected.
5. The story’s theme is to think of others, especially the ones you love. This theme evolved throughout the story because you could tell at first Joe didn’t tell anyone where he was going or what he was doing which was typical for him, but this time it would change everyone else’s lives forever. Especially his loved ones.
6. Nothing in her story needs to be revised it was very good.
GREAT JOB ALICIA!! <3
QUESTIONS
1. The greatest change that I made in my story was the conversation between the police officer and Calli. I made it a lot more detailed and it made more sense after i changed it.
2. The think the comments were more helpful because it gave more then one person's opinion on the story.
3.My greatest strength was probably my the resolution or ending of the story because that seemed to be the favorite part in my story for a lot of people.
4.Some advice I would give to students next year is to not be worried if you dont start off very detailed with your story because as you keep writing you will think of things to add and they will make the story better.
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